Pain and optimism

I know, I know. It’s a weird combination.

And they aren’t really related. Not really, anyway.

Pain, literal pain, is killing me right now. And it’s pretty serious, but it’s also improvement. Lyme is weird like that. Since I went to see Rob Thomas, my daily steps have went from an average of 600 per day to over 1000. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that’s a huge improvement in mobility. So of course I’m in pain. But I think it’s worth it.

I need to get back to drinking my Cistus Tea and Cowden protocol. I really think the tea was making a big difference. At least in how long I can stand. I’m still exhausted & always out of breath. But that’s gonna take some getting used to, I think.

I don’t know if I mentioned about my friend with the heart problem. Regardless, I’m well on my way to letting that go. It helps that one of my Matchbox friends called the other day and we talked for almost 4 hours. It’s so nice to have human interaction. I’m always so isolated here.

Random thought; I’m really considering going on a diet. I’m supposed to be sugar, gluten, milk free anyway. But I’m not sure exactly how to go about it.

It’s just that I’ve recently wanted to ease back into dating , and I already have disability working against me. I don’t need obesity too. I gained a ton of weight at Publix, and then I guess 25-30lbs since I’ve been unable to work (or walk, or do anything really). Plus, I eat total garbage anyway. And I know that’s not helping my health any. I might try whole 30. I think that one sticks to my other exclusions as well.

I wanna stay up and watch tv, but rational me is telling me to call it a night.

Questioning

So you may have noticed I’m not all sunshine and rainbows. I don’t look for the silver lining, and I wouldn’t know a good thing if it smacked me in the face these days.

But somehow I think I’ve found a glimmer of hope in all my doom and gloom. And I don’t know what to think about it. Or him.

I wasn’t looking for him. I don’t know what I was looking for. But here he is, and I like him. Maybe he likes me too. And he doesn’t seem to care that I’m broken.

How is that possible? They always care. It’s a huge elephant in the room that crushes any chance of a future.

So I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just enjoying his company for now. He’s really good company. He makes me think. And feel, even if I don’t want to.

But inevitably, it always ends. Kinda messy, for that matter. 

I don’t know where to go from here. Or if I want to go, or just be stuck in the moment that is now. Because that moment almost resembles happiness.