Nightmares

So ever since I wrote my last journal entry, I’ve been having nightmares & night sweats. It’s severely impacting my sleep, and any progress I was making has gone down hill.

Obviously I woke something up buried deep down. 

Is it because I’m not enough? That I fear I never will be? Or is it the 20 year old trauma of my dad’s first heart attack? The day that forever changed my life.

One day you’re walking along, thinking things are pretty decent, and the next thing you know, you get the world snatched out from under your feet.

And that year that followed. It was hell. I don’t know why I’m the one he chose to open up to. The one he told about being a burden to his family, and how he felt worthless. That’s a lot of weight on your heart. Or it was on mine. And I’m not sure the weight has ever lifted.

Is it possible that this has me so damaged, it’s taken 16 years of my life from me? And if that’s the case, can I get my life back on track? I just want a little normalcy. I want to function. To be self sufficient. I want a life. Am I the one holding myself back from that? And if so, how do I find my way back to who I used to be?

Enough

It’s a strange situation to find yourself in, dating, or trying to, and then being out of work for an extended period of time.

I mean, is anyone into the “I’m so crazy, I haven’t slept in 3 weeks, and now I’m on FMLA” kinda situation? I’d have to lean towards no on this one. Just a hunch.

Still, here I am. And there he is. Which completely freaks me out on so many levels. 

Still, he sees me. I don’t know how, or why he’d even want to, but he sees me. He sees parts of me I haven’t seen in forever.

A huge part of chronic fatigue is the “chronic” of it all, and it’s seen it’s fair share of guys. Never really a big seller, that one. Somehow, it’s fooled me into believing I’m a lesser person for it. That my self worth is somehow measured by how rested I do not feel when I wake up. 

He doesn’t think I’m boring. He doesn’t think I’m worthless, or a waste of time, or any of the lies I’ve told myself. He enjoys spending time with me. Me! 

He’s no one I would’ve picked for myself. Yet, somehow we’ve found each other, and I feel something resembling comfort in his arms. He doesn’t judge me, but he’s been there too, and offers his experience.

For once, I get the feeling that eventually, I might be enough.

Hopeless

As I lie here in the dark, pains shooting all throughout my body, I cannot help feeling hopeless.

Hopeless for tonight. For tomorrow. For the future I can’t even imagine anymore. 

How is this fair?

I want to have dreams. And not the kind I label “realistic.” I want to dream big dreams, or not that big, but mean something to me. 

It’s funny how perspective can change so much, yet at the same time so much can change your perspective.

I used to be happy. Annoyingly happy. Yes, that was half my life ago, but there was a time she existed. A time before she grew weary and afraid, and became jaded by all the world threw her way. The girl I once was would be heart broken to see who I’ve become. Broken, and worn down by a world that can’t figure me out. One that doesn’t even bother to try.

The pain, it hurts. Of course it does, but the emotional even more so than the physical which even makes me squirm and gasp out.

How do people get forgotten? How does a girl’s heart break from one tragic event, seemingly never to recover?

Is this what happens? Am I damaged forever because I don’t know how to cope? Is it possible it really is all in my head? That my lack of coping mechanisms has left me a prisoner of my own body for 16 years?

Tell me how to pray about this. Teach me words I haven’t spoken over the years. Help make me a better person, because I cannot help but feel punished. 

I have people, but this life is so lonely. My parents are supportive, but no one understands. Most don’t even believe me.

So i just get up, put one foot in front of the other, and I sleep walk through my life. Auto pilot works well enough, most of the time.

Only this time I’ve crashed, and I can’t find all of my pieces.

Monopolizing

Will you please get out of my head?! You’ve been in there all. damn. day. 

I guess that’s the downside to having nothing but time. Sooo much time to think. Hours upon hours of nothing but thinking of you.

Honestly, I have nothing better to do. But c’mon! It’s driving me just a bit crazy. 

It doesn’t make any sense for my thoughts to be monopolized by you. We’ve only known each other 2 weeks or so. I need to come up for air. 

I don’t want to obsess over you. Even though that really is my thing. I don’t want to ruin this. It seems so new and refreshing and pure and full of hope. I am not used to feeling this. Why am I feeling this? Where are my walls I’ve built up to keep everyone out? And how did you find a way past them?

I won’t say I’ve enjoyed this life of solitude, but it works. No one can hurt you if you never let anyone in. Or so it seems. It’s a lonely life, but it’s okay.

And then in walks you…

Avalanche

Why is it when you finally start to write out your feelings, they won’t go back to where you’d had them oh-so-neatly stuffed away?

Since my entry the other day, I can’t shut my mind off. It’s a constant flood of emotions, irrational thoughts, and general crazed ideas. I wasn’t really prepared for the flood gates to open.

Questioning 

So you may have noticed I’m not all sunshine and rainbows. I don’t look for the silver lining, and I wouldn’t know a good thing if it smacked me in the face these days.

But somehow I think I’ve found a glimmer of hope in all my doom and gloom. And I don’t know what to think about it. Or him.

I wasn’t looking for him. I don’t know what I was looking for. But here he is, and I like him. Maybe he likes me too. And he doesn’t seem to care that I’m broken.

How is that possible? They always care. It’s a huge elephant in the room that crushes any chance of a future.

So I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just enjoying his company for now. He’s really good company. He makes me think. And feel, even if I don’t want to.

But inevitably, it always ends. Kinda messy, for that matter. 

I don’t know where to go from here. Or if I want to go, or just be stuck in the moment that is now. Because that moment almost resembles happiness.

Struggle

I’ve known my fair share of struggles in this life. Sometimes I think that’s all I know. That my life is just strand after strand of struggle, haphazardly stitched together to somehow resemble a life.

I look back on this life I’ve made, and it appears I was never really living at all. Merely existing. Hazily going through the motions, day after day, doing what I had to do and nothing more. Because that is my normal. 

I don’t let people in. They won’t like what they see. I don’t like what I see. I have my good qualities, but they are covered with all of the cuts and bruises of a life that’s worn me down. Day by day, turning into years of a battle that I’m not sure was a win or a loss.

Now it seems I’ve hit the bottom. And I’ve been here before, but it’s different this time. I have exhausted myself trying to keep everything in its place, yet it still managed to crash down on top of me. I don’t know what goes where, or how to piece it back together so that it resembles normalcy again.

The thing about fading away is no one notices. Maybe a few, but for the most part, everyone goes on living their lives in exactly the same manner. No one gives you a second thought, because, why would they? You weren’t engaging, that would have exhausted all of your energy. So you were invisible and get hurt that no one saw you.

Is it the loss that you’ve suffered, or the lack of anyone noticing that hurts the most? Hard to say. They both suck the life out of you in the end.

Loss.

Today I lost someone who I thought was a true friend. I’m not even sure what happened. 

She’s been my roommate for 2 1/2 years. We were friends from work before. An argument started over her request for me to wash the dishes & ended with her telling me I was shitty, alone, and hateful.

Then she screen shot our entire phone conversation and sent it to my mother.

I am 37 fucking years old and she told on me to my mother. But that is not even the ridiculous part. 

She ripped me apart and used so many cuss words, it was disrespectful to show that to my mother in the first place. I was civil, I did not say anything rude or mean about her. And she went on to tell my mom how I hurt her feelings.

Grow up and tell your own mother. And tell her with less profanity. 

She’s not supposed to be moving out until January. She’s been looking for s new place to live since April and finally gave up. Apparently I am the only one who will allow her to live in my home. And that was only out of friendship. 

I cannot live five or six months with someone who has basically told me I’m dead to her. But I’m not really the kind to kick someone out on the street either. She’s here because she had nowhere else to go.

So much for being the nice guy…