“The pain gives me the right to be unkind”

I feel like there’s a lot of stuff I need to deal with emotionally, but my focus has been on my physical pain, I can’t even think about it. It’s constant, all day, relentless and almost unbearable.

I think it’s coming from my insomnia. Which I would guess is caused by the emotional stuff that I can’t focus on.

I bought some cbd gummies & I’ve been eating way too many. And they don’t even take the pain away. They just kind of make me feel numb everywhere. Except for my bone pain. 😫

I’ve dealt with pain before, but it usually doesn’t last this long. I’m going on about a month straight of this now. And it’s taking its toll.

My aunt is dying, and all I can think about is this pain.

Nightmares

So ever since I wrote my last journal entry, I’ve been having nightmares & night sweats. It’s severely impacting my sleep, and any progress I was making has gone down hill.

Obviously I woke something up buried deep down. 

Is it because I’m not enough? That I fear I never will be? Or is it the 20 year old trauma of my dad’s first heart attack? The day that forever changed my life.

One day you’re walking along, thinking things are pretty decent, and the next thing you know, you get the world snatched out from under your feet.

And that year that followed. It was hell. I don’t know why I’m the one he chose to open up to. The one he told about being a burden to his family, and how he felt worthless. That’s a lot of weight on your heart. Or it was on mine. And I’m not sure the weight has ever lifted.

Is it possible that this has me so damaged, it’s taken 16 years of my life from me? And if that’s the case, can I get my life back on track? I just want a little normalcy. I want to function. To be self sufficient. I want a life. Am I the one holding myself back from that? And if so, how do I find my way back to who I used to be?

Struggle

I’ve known my fair share of struggles in this life. Sometimes I think that’s all I know. That my life is just strand after strand of struggle, haphazardly stitched together to somehow resemble a life.

I look back on this life I’ve made, and it appears I was never really living at all. Merely existing. Hazily going through the motions, day after day, doing what I had to do and nothing more. Because that is my normal. 

I don’t let people in. They won’t like what they see. I don’t like what I see. I have my good qualities, but they are covered with all of the cuts and bruises of a life that’s worn me down. Day by day, turning into years of a battle that I’m not sure was a win or a loss.

Now it seems I’ve hit the bottom. And I’ve been here before, but it’s different this time. I have exhausted myself trying to keep everything in its place, yet it still managed to crash down on top of me. I don’t know what goes where, or how to piece it back together so that it resembles normalcy again.

The thing about fading away is no one notices. Maybe a few, but for the most part, everyone goes on living their lives in exactly the same manner. No one gives you a second thought, because, why would they? You weren’t engaging, that would have exhausted all of your energy. So you were invisible and get hurt that no one saw you.

Is it the loss that you’ve suffered, or the lack of anyone noticing that hurts the most? Hard to say. They both suck the life out of you in the end.