Nightmares

So ever since I wrote my last journal entry, I’ve been having nightmares & night sweats. It’s severely impacting my sleep, and any progress I was making has gone down hill.

Obviously I woke something up buried deep down. 

Is it because I’m not enough? That I fear I never will be? Or is it the 20 year old trauma of my dad’s first heart attack? The day that forever changed my life.

One day you’re walking along, thinking things are pretty decent, and the next thing you know, you get the world snatched out from under your feet.

And that year that followed. It was hell. I don’t know why I’m the one he chose to open up to. The one he told about being a burden to his family, and how he felt worthless. That’s a lot of weight on your heart. Or it was on mine. And I’m not sure the weight has ever lifted.

Is it possible that this has me so damaged, it’s taken 16 years of my life from me? And if that’s the case, can I get my life back on track? I just want a little normalcy. I want to function. To be self sufficient. I want a life. Am I the one holding myself back from that? And if so, how do I find my way back to who I used to be?

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