Hopeless

As I lie here in the dark, pains shooting all throughout my body, I cannot help feeling hopeless.

Hopeless for tonight. For tomorrow. For the future I can’t even imagine anymore. 

How is this fair?

I want to have dreams. And not the kind I label “realistic.” I want to dream big dreams, or not that big, but mean something to me. 

It’s funny how perspective can change so much, yet at the same time so much can change your perspective.

I used to be happy. Annoyingly happy. Yes, that was half my life ago, but there was a time she existed. A time before she grew weary and afraid, and became jaded by all the world threw her way. The girl I once was would be heart broken to see who I’ve become. Broken, and worn down by a world that can’t figure me out. One that doesn’t even bother to try.

The pain, it hurts. Of course it does, but the emotional even more so than the physical which even makes me squirm and gasp out.

How do people get forgotten? How does a girl’s heart break from one tragic event, seemingly never to recover?

Is this what happens? Am I damaged forever because I don’t know how to cope? Is it possible it really is all in my head? That my lack of coping mechanisms has left me a prisoner of my own body for 16 years?

Tell me how to pray about this. Teach me words I haven’t spoken over the years. Help make me a better person, because I cannot help but feel punished. 

I have people, but this life is so lonely. My parents are supportive, but no one understands. Most don’t even believe me.

So i just get up, put one foot in front of the other, and I sleep walk through my life. Auto pilot works well enough, most of the time.

Only this time I’ve crashed, and I can’t find all of my pieces.

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